How did I come to this?

I’ve been asking myself all day.  I stood through three hours of “training” at an office supply store, staring between the assistant manager’s eyebrows to make it seem like I was paying deep attention instead of half-listening. My mind was unfocused and I found myself completely unable to tear it away from the question.

I know the reason.

I made poor choices.   I chased money and popularity.  I spent like I was rich.  I thought I had to have titles and prestige.

I was wrong.

It is tough to learn these lessons, to face the ghosts of my past with an unarmed heart.  I lived in fear.  I waited for the worst to happen…and did all I could—consciously or unconsciously—to see that it did.

Sometimes I look at the clothes and boxes of books in my closet wondering how far I could be by morning.

I go through periods where I’d rather just take off.  I’m within millimeters of grabbing what I can and going, radically changing my environment and shedding the vestiges of the man I am here.

I’ve come to the end of what I was and, in a few weeks, will take a larger step to being what I am.

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